Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too, we’ve decided that we’re leaving.  We intend to form our own country; and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.  In case you are not aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and ALL of the Northeast. We believe that this split will be beneficial to the nation, especially to the people of the new nation Nuevo California.

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all of the slave States.

We get Stem Cell Research and the best beaches.

We get the Statue of Liberty.

You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft.

You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard.

You get Ole Miss.

We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama.

We get 2/3 of the tax revenue.

You get to force the Red States to learn what it’s like to pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition‘s, we get a bunch of happy families.

You get a bunch of single moms and the bulk of the deadbeat dads.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we are going to want all of
our citizens back from Iraq at once.  If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they are apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, as long as you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we are not willing to spend our resourses in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of all high tech industry, 95% of all the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the US low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sisters schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected healthcare costs), 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of all the tornados, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Soutern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and U of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red States believe that Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred, unless we are  discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws,  44% say evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe that you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

Finally, we are taking all of the good pot. You can have that seedy dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace Out,

The Blue States

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